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Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Patty O'Furniture! |
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Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered
by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest
man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi
can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have
to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "
Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? |
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Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's
called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them
and they send a man over and you get drunk together. |
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Terms indicated in an Irish policy:
"The total sum will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your
death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself." |
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Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye.
"You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church."
He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn,
he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit
me." Said Paddy.
A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye.
"I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy.
He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for
a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom.
"My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't
like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back." |
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The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof. |
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Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked
for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened
with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.
"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.
His friend thought for a minute.
"You know, I think it must be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."
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Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward
to making the trip. |
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Shamus joined a robber band and on the night of his first safe-cracking job
the boss warned him, "Before we go through the window, you pull your tights
right over your face."
Shamus said, "Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch
as high as me neck!" |
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Q. What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?
A. Gaelic breath.
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Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
It has a 12 month waiting list. |
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It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to
holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and
turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and
got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After
a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy
was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their
route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers
standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here
.. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!" |
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Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
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Shamus joined a robber band and on the night of his first safe-cracking job
the boss warned him, "Before we go through the window, you pull your tights
right over your face."
Shamus said, "Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch
as high as me neck!" |
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"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?" asked the English visitor.
"Certainly Sir," said Patrick. "If you take the first road to the left…no
still that wouldn't do…drive on for about four miles then torn left
at the crossroads…no that wouldn't do either…"
Patrick scratched his head thoughtfully.
"You know, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all." |
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An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks.
He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp.
The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman
says
"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness.
The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically
fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time
he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one". |
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WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman is a man who?
May not believe there is a God,
but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope...
Won't eat meat on Friday,
but will drink Jameson for breakfast.....
Has great respect for the truth,
he uses in emergencies...
Sees things not as they are
but the way they never will be.....
Cries at sad movies,
but cheers in battle....
Hates the English,
but reserves his cruelty for countryman....
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.....
Believes in civil rights,
but not in his neighborhood...
Believes to forgive is divine,
therefore doesn't exercise it himself....
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so
inconvenient for his neighbors....
Scorns money,
but worships those who have it...
Considers any Irishman who
achieves success to be a traitor...
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Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him
and charge him with having an armalite. |
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Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several
times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted
"Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it
not about time ye let the Catholics across?" |
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
another one!" |
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Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on
Business.
As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a
small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human
Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said
the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is
James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan,
the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and
that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his
soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew
back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune
over a five year period and retired a very rich man.
During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that
made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down
the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "Goodness",
said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said
the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is
James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan,
the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and
that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his
soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull
a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull
was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St.
Patrick when he was a Boy!!" |
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Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled
out of the sky to land at his feet.
"Ah, you should have saved the bullet," said the other.
The fall would have killed him, anyway." |
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Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.
"We have 99" replied the shop owner
"Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to
a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each
pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground
with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and
asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied
"but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping" |
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The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. |
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It's been a long day," complained Mrs. Murphy, " and I haven't sat down since
I got up." |
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Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no
control over his pupils. |
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"Have you seen my vest?" Paddy asked his wife.
"Sure and you have the thing on, you old fool," said his wife.
"Just as well you noticed," said Paddy, "or I would have gone out without
it." |
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Casey complained, "That new dance hall is crowded to the roof and all up
the staircase. It's not to be wondered that people don't go there." |
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Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their
business card in case someone looses them. |
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Two Irish companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles.
The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the
most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when the second
company's tally came in it was only two.
"I'm afraid you lost the job", the second company was told, "the other boys
managed twenty to your two."
"Ah," came the reply, "but they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking
out of the ground?" |
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Seamus do you understand French?
I do if its spoken in Irish |
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"Ah, that was a lovely dress," said Maureen, "and it would have fitted me
if I could have got into it." |
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"Ma, there's a strange man at the door."
"Has he got a bill?"
"No, Ma, just an ordinary nose." |
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Did you hear about the Irishmen who were asked to be a Jehovah witness ?
They refused because they had not seen the accident. |
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Q. What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?
A. Their tent sank. |
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Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks
"Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes,
what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers
"A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp
again and the Genie appeared.
"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well,
for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them" |
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What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade. |
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How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes. |
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The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They
ran out of scaffolding. |
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How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch. |
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Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting
smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea.
"Why don't we leave the last coach off!" |
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Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing
Danny Boy at the top of their lungs.They stopped in front of Flahertys house
still singing. After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs Flaherty
yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else!"
"Are you Mrs. Flaherty? "asks one of the drunks.
"You know dam well I am,"she says.
"Well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of
us can go home?" |
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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it
was neither of us." |
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When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what
they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes! |
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Tim O'Cartny took his car to the mechanic, who told him he needed a new muffler.
Tim went straight home and asked his wife to knit him one. |
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An Irishman went to Somerset House, and said he wanted to change his name.
They asked him what his name was.
He said "Michael Ramsbottom"
When they asked him what he wanted it changed to, he said "Eric" |
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An Irishman was digging a hole in a road when a passerby asked him what he
was going to do with all the soil.
"Ah, well," he replied, " I'll dig another hole."
"But what if it doesn't all fit in?"
"Oh, I've thought of that," said the Irishman, "I'll dig the next hole deeper." |
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A gang of Irish workers was sent to measure a telephone pole. Unfortunately
their ladder was too short.
"Right," shouted the foreman, "we'll have to be laying it down on the ground
to measure it."
"Don't be daft," said one of the gang. "It's the height we're needing, not
the breadth!"
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Farmer O'Neill had been invited to supper by his neighbour Farmer Kelly.
Expecting that his homeward journey would be dark, he had taken a stable
lamp. The drink was not spared and the men sat long over their glasses.
O'Neill, however, reached home safely, guided by his lamp.
The next morning he received the following note from his friend: "O'Neill,
I am sending your stable lamp with bearer. Please return my parrot and cage." |
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Q. What's gross ignorance?
A. One hundred and forty-four Irishmen. |
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"What do Irish people do about Irishman jokes?" I was
asked.
"They tell Kerryman jokes", I replied
"Well what about the Kerrymen then, what do they do about Kerryman
jokes then?"
"They put them into books and sell them to Englishmen", I said |
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Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as
a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. |
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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of
ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked
the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from
swinging his pick and said
"Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place
like that in broad daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left,
looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel,
turned to Pat and said
"Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving
that place his custom!"
Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked
to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened
up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody
sick in there." |
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SOS for the deep sea divers of the Irish Oil Rig in the North Sea:
"Come up at once, your rig is sinking." |
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Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for
shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called,
"Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." |
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Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as
a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. |
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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped
forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!" |
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Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's
signature on a hot cross bun.... |
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Q. How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes. |
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Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field
onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The other driver
jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just
left.
"Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other.
"We only just got out of that field in time." |
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"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonergan. "Could ye be tellin'
me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute." "Ahh, 'tis
fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up. |
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Mick was late for the performance and as he tried to find his seat in the
front row someone shouted, "Sit down in front."
"I can't," replied Mick. " I don't bend that way.' |
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Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered
by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!
" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest
man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe,
but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if
Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?" |
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Q. Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mt. Everest?
A. They ran out of scaffolding. |
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An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about
the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked
him if he was already homesick. "No, I've lost all my luggage!" "How'd that
happen?" "The cork fell out." |
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Then there was the Irish terrorist who blew up a bus:
He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. |
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Q. Why is the wheelbarrow the world's greatest invention?
A. Because it taught the Irish to walk upright. |
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Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub
Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll
just keep sending them. |
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Q. How do you identify an Irish helicopter?
A. It has ejector seats. |
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Riley was waylaid on his way home.
"Your money or your life," snarled the robber.
"Take my life," said Riley. "I'm saving my money for my old age." |
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Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. |
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First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head." |
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Why do they make Irishman jokes so simple?
So Englishmen can understand them! |
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The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. |
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A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the
other was immediately filling them in again.
"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants
the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't
mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"
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Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. |
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Q. Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A. He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips... |
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Pat and Mike were very good friends and Pat came over to Mike's house to
visit. When he entered the home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding
their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time.
She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while
I finish the curtains?"
A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How Ya doin Mike?"
Mike replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started |
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"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think
it must be the drink."
"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come
back when you're sober." |
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who has 1,500 girlfriends?
A. A shepherd! |
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An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and was asked if he
was hurt by the fall.
"Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was
the sudden stop."
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An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer
companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all
applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper
and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in
front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to
the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said:
"But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent,
"Tree + Tree +Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make
it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down
the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer
looked at the drawings and said:
"But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman
once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and
asked him to make it 100. After thinking for a considerably longer time the
Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom
right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish
accent,
"Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make
100!!!!!" |
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One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for
a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense
of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer." |
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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne
Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what
it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow,
maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month,
next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also
on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No.
In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied
Brennan. |
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Q. But what about the Frenchman and the Irishman who both jumped off the
Eiffel Tower?
A. The Frenchman got killed, and the Irishman got lost. |
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Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the
clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and
a little cockroach fell out. Pat exclaimed, "No wonder it didn't work, the
engineer is dead!" |
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There's a new Irish restaurant being built near downtown L.A. They are going
to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals.
Everyone coming the door gets a potato and a six-pack. |
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An Irishman was working so hard on a building site carrying bricks up the
ladder that his mate got worried.
"What's up with you, working so hard?" he asked.
"Don't worry," said the other, I've got them all fooled. It's the same load
of bricks each time." |
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"You know," said Mrs. O'Neill, "you could really feel the heat of that coat
the minute you took it off." |
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A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window.
The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"
The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!"
At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly.
He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball
yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!"
The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust
of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby.
The crowd cheered wildly.
O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof. |
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Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when
they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp.
The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him
up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his
arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked
on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five
minutes Murphy started to scream up.
MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".
PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?"
MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN'" |
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The Irish auctioneer shouted, "The highest bidder will be deemed to be the
person or persons nominated as the buyer or buyers unless someone else offers
more…" |
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Two Irishmen were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara
falls.
Over drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across
the falls on a tightrope.
After a very scary trip his friend managed to deposit him safely at the far
end and the $500 was duly handed over.
"Pity," said the loser, "when you wobbled half way across I was sure I had
won."
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Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street
corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this
year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are
Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where
are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling
with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer
hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish
there!" |
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Paddy was directing his first play and was not satisfied with the hero's
dying scene.
"Come on," he cried, " put more life into your dying." |
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Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument. At
last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted,
"Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the
room." |
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What's Black and Blue and floats in Sydney Harbour?
A person caught telling "Paddy the Irishman" |
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"This is a very noisy district you live in, Pete!"
"Sure and that's exactly the way it is. We only get any peace at all when
the heavier trucks drown out the noise." |
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Two Irishmen are flying home from London.
Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces
that one of the engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer.
Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and
the flight time will longer still. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to
the passenger again to say that they are now flying on one engine and gives
an even later arrival time.
When the plane finally lands one Irishman turns to the other and remarks
"Just as well the fourth engine kept going or we'd have been up there all
night."
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in
your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted
it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I
know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I
know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper
he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
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An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans
are.
"Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night." |
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Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After
Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
"Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." |
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Q: How do you confuse an Irish labourer?
A: Give him a Shovel and a Fork and tell him to take his pick
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Q: How do you brainwash an Irishman?
A: Pee in his wellies |
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