Courting and Marriage jokes Back to the Irish jokes pages index Death jokes Drinking jokes Englishman jokes General jokes An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman Kerryman Jokes Religious jokes Please visit the "My Graphics" page if you wish to use any of my original art work. Fiona's Place / The Irish Connection / The Dungeon / The Seaside / Mermaids / Look to the Stars / The Love Shack / The Playroom / My Graphics Shamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?" Back to the top "Why won't you marry me?" demanded Paddy. "There isn't anyone else is there?" "Oh, Paddy." Sighed Biddy, "there must be." Back to the top Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!" Back to the top Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? Back to the top Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place. "Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!" Back to the top Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A. One less Drunk Back to the top The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?" Back to the top Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children." So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.." Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????" Back to the top Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" Back to the top Tim Kelly was walking thorough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." Back to the top An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act. He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing. "What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next." Back to the top "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, son. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." Back to the top Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?" Back to the top Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the doctor and said, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guinness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialled, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck." Back to the top Please visit the "My Graphics" page if you wish to use any of my original art work. Death jokes Drinking jokes Englishman jokes General jokes An Irishman and Englishman and a Scotsman Kerryman Jokes Religious jokes Fiona's Place / The Irish Connection / The Dungeon / The Seaside / Mermaids / Look to the Stars / The Love Shack / The Playroom / My Graphics
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Please visit the "My Graphics" page if you wish to use any of my original art work.
Fiona's Place / The Irish Connection / The Dungeon / The Seaside / Mermaids / Look to the Stars / The Love Shack / The Playroom / My Graphics
Shamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
Back to the top
"Why won't you marry me?" demanded Paddy. "There isn't anyone else is there?"
"Oh, Paddy." Sighed Biddy, "there must be."
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife's place.
"Glory be!" said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!"
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A. One less Drunk
The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do...Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children." So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm.." Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceili band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning????"
Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
Tim Kelly was walking thorough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."
An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, son. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby. After waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital house phone, called the doctor and said, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You are the father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy. What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but hold on because it's not all over yet." After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The doctor answered, "You're the father of triplets -- two boys and a girl. It's not all over yet, but it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be here all night." So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guinness. He then went over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the hospital -- or thought he did. Actually, he misdialled, and dialed the local cricket club. When the person answered, Paddy asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?" The person replied, "All out for a hundred and one, and the last one out was a duck."